Sadly, the large tumor was malignant.
What does that mean? That means that it will come back. That means that it may have already spread. That means that I know what my beautiful black beauty will die from, I just don't know how much time I will get. We all know that we will die. That everyone we love will die. But, we shove that thought to the back recesses of our mind and it's only when we are confronted by it that we are forced to look at it. That is where I am right now. Looking at death and loss in a new very personal way. And I am struggling. I have never lost anyone close to me. Right now I keep shoving the emotions down into a black hole so that I can function. I know I need to feel them, to allow them to come but I am terrified they will consume me. So, when you see me and ask me how he is doing please know that I touched but I can't talk about it. If I talk about it I will not be able to be a good teacher for you.
Right now, we are focusing on healing from the surgery so that we can still go on our family vacation. This very well could be his last trip to Lake Powell. He is doing well and each day he is getting stronger.
The next step in his health plan is "staging" where we find out if it has spread. Once we have that we can determine a plan of action. Going forward will be determined by quality of life vs side effects vs longevity vs cost.
I pray every day that I get as much time as he can give me and that I will do what is best for him and not for me.
What does that mean? That means that it will come back. That means that it may have already spread. That means that I know what my beautiful black beauty will die from, I just don't know how much time I will get. We all know that we will die. That everyone we love will die. But, we shove that thought to the back recesses of our mind and it's only when we are confronted by it that we are forced to look at it. That is where I am right now. Looking at death and loss in a new very personal way. And I am struggling. I have never lost anyone close to me. Right now I keep shoving the emotions down into a black hole so that I can function. I know I need to feel them, to allow them to come but I am terrified they will consume me. So, when you see me and ask me how he is doing please know that I touched but I can't talk about it. If I talk about it I will not be able to be a good teacher for you.
Right now, we are focusing on healing from the surgery so that we can still go on our family vacation. This very well could be his last trip to Lake Powell. He is doing well and each day he is getting stronger.
The next step in his health plan is "staging" where we find out if it has spread. Once we have that we can determine a plan of action. Going forward will be determined by quality of life vs side effects vs longevity vs cost.
I pray every day that I get as much time as he can give me and that I will do what is best for him and not for me.
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