Christmas with cancer sucks. There. I said it. While Maverick looks and feels great (which I am so grateful for) I hear that little voice whispering “Is this his LAST Christmas?” I know he doesn’t really care about Christmas but everywhere I look I see “love, family, happy” etc and it’s a painful reminder that his time is ticking away. He IS my happy, my love, my family. And if you tell me he’s “just a dog” I will kindly tell you to go f*** yourself. Ok, so that isn’t really kind but I would say it with a smile.
I feel a little foolish and naive. I am sure there are many people who have experienced a difficult holiday season. I know I have had hard holidays-for entirely different reasons. Usually it’s family drama that puts a damper on my holiday spirit. But, this is entirely different. I really have NO holiday spirit. I decorated the house in hopes that the saying “fake it until you make it” would work and it isn’t. I’m still just sad. I don’t want to shop. I don’t want to send cards. I don’t want to bake. I don’t want to do anything. I have been using my work as a distraction but I know that isn’t healthy. I also don’t want to look back and think, “Shit, I spent his last Christmas working too much.” So, I’m in this really crappy place. If I’m not working I’m sad and weepy. If I am working I’m not spending time with him and feel guilty.
“You don’t know it’s his last Christmas”. You’re right. I don’t know. But, again, I don’t want to assume I have more time only to find out that he didn’t and I missed special moments.
In addition, my parent’s health is declining and I think “Will they be with us next year?” If you know me well, you know I am not a pessimistic person. I am realistic though and the truth of the matter is that we all die. I realize this time with Maverick is a gift. A painful journey of love and loss and that this is part of the process of preparing myself to let him go. My heart hopes and weeps at the same time. I hope I get another holiday season but I am weeping just in case I don’t.
For those who are experiencing a hard holiday I hope you know that you are not alone. Not everyone is having a “Merry” Christmas. For those of you who are having a great holiday I hope you are grateful for your happiness.
I feel a little foolish and naive. I am sure there are many people who have experienced a difficult holiday season. I know I have had hard holidays-for entirely different reasons. Usually it’s family drama that puts a damper on my holiday spirit. But, this is entirely different. I really have NO holiday spirit. I decorated the house in hopes that the saying “fake it until you make it” would work and it isn’t. I’m still just sad. I don’t want to shop. I don’t want to send cards. I don’t want to bake. I don’t want to do anything. I have been using my work as a distraction but I know that isn’t healthy. I also don’t want to look back and think, “Shit, I spent his last Christmas working too much.” So, I’m in this really crappy place. If I’m not working I’m sad and weepy. If I am working I’m not spending time with him and feel guilty.
“You don’t know it’s his last Christmas”. You’re right. I don’t know. But, again, I don’t want to assume I have more time only to find out that he didn’t and I missed special moments.
In addition, my parent’s health is declining and I think “Will they be with us next year?” If you know me well, you know I am not a pessimistic person. I am realistic though and the truth of the matter is that we all die. I realize this time with Maverick is a gift. A painful journey of love and loss and that this is part of the process of preparing myself to let him go. My heart hopes and weeps at the same time. I hope I get another holiday season but I am weeping just in case I don’t.
For those who are experiencing a hard holiday I hope you know that you are not alone. Not everyone is having a “Merry” Christmas. For those of you who are having a great holiday I hope you are grateful for your happiness.
Maverick-Christmas 2013
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