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Christmas with cancer

12/19/2015

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Christmas with cancer sucks.  There.  I said it.  While Maverick looks and feels great (which I am so grateful for) I hear that little voice whispering “Is this his LAST Christmas?”  I know he doesn’t really care about Christmas but everywhere I look I see “love, family, happy” etc and it’s a painful reminder that his time is ticking away.  He IS my happy, my love, my family.  And if you tell me he’s “just a dog” I will kindly tell you to go f*** yourself.  Ok, so that isn’t really kind but I would say it with a smile.

I feel a little foolish and naive.  I am sure there are many people who have experienced a difficult holiday season.  I know I have had hard holidays-for entirely different reasons.  Usually it’s family drama that puts a damper on my holiday spirit.  But, this is entirely different.  I really have NO holiday spirit.  I decorated the house in hopes that the saying “fake it until you make it” would work and it isn’t.  I’m still just sad.  I don’t want to shop.  I don’t want to send cards.  I don’t want to bake.  I don’t want to do anything.  I have been using my work as a distraction but I know that isn’t healthy.  I also don’t want to look back and think, “Shit, I spent his last Christmas working too much.”  So, I’m in this really crappy place.  If I’m not working I’m sad and weepy.  If I am working I’m not spending time with him and feel guilty.

“You don’t know it’s his last Christmas”.  You’re right.  I don’t know.  But, again, I don’t want to assume I have more time only to find out that he didn’t and I missed special moments.

In addition, my parent’s health is declining and I think “Will they be with us next year?”  If you know me well, you know I am not a pessimistic person.  I am realistic though and the truth of the matter is that we all die.  I realize this time with Maverick is a gift.  A painful journey of love and loss and that this is part of the process of preparing myself to let him go.  My heart hopes and weeps at the same time.  I hope I get another holiday season but I am weeping just in case I don’t.

For those who are experiencing a hard holiday I hope you know that you are not alone.  Not everyone is having a “Merry” Christmas.  For those of you who are having a great holiday I hope you are grateful for your happiness.


Picture
Maverick-Christmas 2013
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    I have been working with dogs for over 14 years.  I have three dogs-Maverick, Jasper, & Stanley.

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